What remains

What remains after the anger is gone? When anger and hate is what you’ve been using to exist off of for two years – when they are the only thing that motivates you to wake up in the morning. How much life energy has been wasted wishing the total downfall of two other humans who you once trusted with your very life (even if they are the ones who destroyed what you knew to be life). What did I think they would do? I mean, what’s the point of thinking about them and relishing the news of their coming come uppance? They aren’t pulling down the very fabric of society. They are ensconced in their own private world in which they are the selfish stars and they shed no care for others in the world.

What remains after the hatred is gone? The empty leftover feeling is hollow. When the hate dissipates a gaping maw is left floating in my soul. How do I replace that – and with what do I use as the adhesive to plaster myself back together? How does one forget how to hate when it’s been a part of your very existence for years? Hate is such a huge emotion it takes over and kills off smaller, but not unimportant feelings, how do you get those back? I’m sure they aren’t hiding under a rock in my garden. That’s where the slugs live. My hate has been my companion and best friend for so long, how do I just release it?

What remains after memories are gone? I have some major empty places in my brain. I’ve been painstakingly erasing as many memories from the past 12 years as I can. Now there’s nothing there to think back on when I stop to think. I watch tv or a movie or reread a book; and I instantly think – what was I doing in life during this year? My reply is usually a blank – a memory covered by a black death shroud. I start to lump the years together – was 2007 a good year, Hmm, nope, not at all. Was 2002 a good year – yes – but I don’t want to remember why because it’s pointless to dwell on something I’ve worked so hard to cover over with emptiness.

What remains after hope is dashed against the rocks of life? There’s nothing left. I don’t have hope for any type of future other than maintaining the basic needs of humans to survive. Food and shelter. Telling someone to “get out there” or “be happy” is ludicrous. It doesn’t happen that way. Everything I had been thinking and dreaming of for a couple of decades is gone. Try to replace that by hearing or reading someone say some pointless clichéd phrase. It just shows how out of touch with reality some people really are.

Everyone has problems – mine aren’t any greater than anyone else’s. However, they are mine and hence they are greater than anyone else’s. I’m the only existing in my jumbled head. I’m the only one who lives with my thoughts of pointlessness day in and day out. I’ve lost the point, the meaning, the reason. So, before you think you know me and try to offer some sage advice – think twice. No one lives your life and for some people “happy” isn’t an option. Empty is the option.