Letting Go

I don’t know how to let go. And I mean this in the very literal sense.
I know I have to because he’s not mine to want or talk to or share ideas with. I so miss telling him about my day and then hearing about his. He used to care if I made it to school or not – for some stupid reason this is a big thing for me. Now I have no one.

If I could have designed my perfect mate, he would have walked out of the mold. He appreciated the same music as me, and knew exactly what type to send to me to listen to. We could watch the same movie and get why the other liked it. It made me smile to talk to him about books we’d read. It’s nice to hear a meeting of the minds on intellectual stuff.

It’s all my fault I’m hurting like nothing else. This was worse than the stupid ex thing. He, I didn’t mind losing so much, but this guy. Wow. It’s like I’ve been tossed off a cliff and am drowning with no one or nothing to save me. I really do believe it’s possible to die of a broken heart. Mine hurts. Literally. Chest pains that come and go.

What’s worse is that he still emails and acts like he cares. He needs to stop. I need to stop. He has someone. Someone he can wrap his arms around and kiss and cuddle with and spend the day in bed with when it rains. Someone to laugh with and share inside jokes with. I have cat; and even he doesn’t like to be hugged.

This is me being strong. I will NOT email him. It’s not fair to me that he still tells me his feelings for me and that’s all he can give me. I don’t want a half a relationship. I deserve more because I want more. I want it all – but I want it all with him. Here’s me being strong, for as long as I can; until I can’t be and crawl back because I need a shot of air; a shot of my heroin; a shot of my soul mate who fate decided to be an ass about and show him to me and then say – too bad not for you.