buggies

It was a super nice evening. The sun sank below the trees, it was crimson, yellow, and pink. The colors never cease to surprise me. It’s like a little gift each day just to see what color the sun will turn each night.

And there were only a squadron of bitey bugs that attacked me, compared to the army that swarmed and attacked in droves when I cut the yard. My legs are swollen and red from the thousands of bites – Im thinking a combo of chiggers and mosquitoes and blood sucking flies. They even nailed my neck. I look like Mina Harker.

There are two massive bits right near my jugular. Dracula would be proud that the flying leeches managed to snag a drop or two from my neck. However, I do not feel the need to eat spiders, nor do I have an urge to dig out a whole under a rock and sleep there. But I am having strange cravings for tomato juice with a big ol’ celery stick hanging out of it.

I now have shiny glossy legs because I have a ton of fingernail polish on my legs with the intent of killing the little chigger babies. I can’t wait to have at least a hundred dead parasites rotting in my legs. Yippee.

I love summer. Really. This is such a time honored tradition.

Too Slow

The chase is what drew you in. I’m realizing that now. I got caught. My bad.

So I’m nothing to you now; now that you have your life back. And here I was feeling bad for you. You weren’t really ever feeling bad about this. You did warn me you were selfish. I was blind, as any female would be under your charm. Silly me. I left you catch me. No one catches me. I’m a cheetah, and one that’s in control of its own emotions.

I can see in how you respond to me what it is your doing. It took me a while. It took me to get back to empty to finally open my eyes. What a lovely distraction you were. My friend was right, the opposite is only a distraction. A fake way to be happy; because happiness is fleeting. You weren’t my happiness as I had hoped. You were my sadness.

I’ve decided to not play your game anymore. You’re living the white picket fence life. That’s something I’ve never had a proclivity to or wanted. I want a family, but I don’t want it to be nuclear. I want it under my terms. I just have to wait a little more. It’d be easy to love you, but it won’t be returned. I realize this now.

I am queen of the chase. I drew you in because I thought you had something for me. I trapped myself in my own snare. My bad.

Not my vacation

Vacation that wasn't mine
Thanks for sharing all the details
Though they were gorey and unpleasant
It still wasn't mine

What would make you think I want to know
what you're doing with your family
as you spend your time with someone other than me
A life that isn't mine.

I don't want to picture you
on vacation in a tent, smiling, being pleasant
oh trying to make things right for everyone else
Someone who isn't mine.

Cherries

Today I did an important rite of summer. I ate way way too many cherries while sitting on my deck.

It was actually not blast furnace hot after a massive storm that killed the electricity for a while today. I grabbed my bowl of cherries and sat in my favorite lawn chair and kicked back. I’d snag a cherry out of the bowl by the stem, grasp the delicate fruit between my teeth and hold on while I pull loose the stem.

Then, ever so slightly, I’d roll my tongue around the red flesh of the cherry; feeling the dents and imperfections on the soft skin of the fruit before slowly sliding it between my back teeth. Next, I bite down softly while my tongue scoops out the hard pit in the middle of the burgundy soft tissue. Holding the meat of the fruit in my teeth, I let the pit roll onto the middle of my tongue, take in a deep breath and spit that puppy as far as I can. Finally, I greedily dig my teeth into the giving orb and savor the sweetness.

I must’ve repeated this procedure a hundred times today. Each cherry had it’s own texture and sweetness. Some were so sweet they made my mouth water, while others made my lips pucker with sour. So the eating of the fruit is always awesome, but here comes the rite of summer. My stomach is killing me. Way way too much fruit all at one time. It’s just like when I get oranges in November.

And, I’m really hoping there weren’t any worms in the cherries. That’s always unfortunate.

ruined

I can't even stand the feel of my own skin at the moment. I feel like im really losing it at the moment. I just want things to be real. No more of this psuedo crap. It doesn't mean anything, and yet it's so easy to be tricked into thinking it does.

I'm tired of feeling like a broken ruined creature, because that's all I feel like. I get that i don't mean a whole to anyone other than my 'rents; and so that's like really heart breaking. And dammit I tossed that stinkin' heart away - why did it have to come back? Life is easier when you lack emotions. I was an idiot for letting them back in.

I'm not a random emo loser. Thanks for turning me into one again. I think too much; take a guess what I'm thinking about. You knew what you were going to do - again, thanks for hanging on. You told me you were selfish. Yup. I'm beginning to think all men are selfish pricks. Hence the alone thing. I'm not going out on that limb again.

I'm gonna stick right here next to the tree trunk, even if i do turn bitter and downtrodden.

This sucks.

Letting Go

I don’t know how to let go. And I mean this in the very literal sense.
I know I have to because he’s not mine to want or talk to or share ideas with. I so miss telling him about my day and then hearing about his. He used to care if I made it to school or not – for some stupid reason this is a big thing for me. Now I have no one.

If I could have designed my perfect mate, he would have walked out of the mold. He appreciated the same music as me, and knew exactly what type to send to me to listen to. We could watch the same movie and get why the other liked it. It made me smile to talk to him about books we’d read. It’s nice to hear a meeting of the minds on intellectual stuff.

It’s all my fault I’m hurting like nothing else. This was worse than the stupid ex thing. He, I didn’t mind losing so much, but this guy. Wow. It’s like I’ve been tossed off a cliff and am drowning with no one or nothing to save me. I really do believe it’s possible to die of a broken heart. Mine hurts. Literally. Chest pains that come and go.

What’s worse is that he still emails and acts like he cares. He needs to stop. I need to stop. He has someone. Someone he can wrap his arms around and kiss and cuddle with and spend the day in bed with when it rains. Someone to laugh with and share inside jokes with. I have cat; and even he doesn’t like to be hugged.

This is me being strong. I will NOT email him. It’s not fair to me that he still tells me his feelings for me and that’s all he can give me. I don’t want a half a relationship. I deserve more because I want more. I want it all – but I want it all with him. Here’s me being strong, for as long as I can; until I can’t be and crawl back because I need a shot of air; a shot of my heroin; a shot of my soul mate who fate decided to be an ass about and show him to me and then say – too bad not for you.

What remains

What remains after the anger is gone? When anger and hate is what you’ve been using to exist off of for two years – when they are the only thing that motivates you to wake up in the morning. How much life energy has been wasted wishing the total downfall of two other humans who you once trusted with your very life (even if they are the ones who destroyed what you knew to be life). What did I think they would do? I mean, what’s the point of thinking about them and relishing the news of their coming come uppance? They aren’t pulling down the very fabric of society. They are ensconced in their own private world in which they are the selfish stars and they shed no care for others in the world.

What remains after the hatred is gone? The empty leftover feeling is hollow. When the hate dissipates a gaping maw is left floating in my soul. How do I replace that – and with what do I use as the adhesive to plaster myself back together? How does one forget how to hate when it’s been a part of your very existence for years? Hate is such a huge emotion it takes over and kills off smaller, but not unimportant feelings, how do you get those back? I’m sure they aren’t hiding under a rock in my garden. That’s where the slugs live. My hate has been my companion and best friend for so long, how do I just release it?

What remains after memories are gone? I have some major empty places in my brain. I’ve been painstakingly erasing as many memories from the past 12 years as I can. Now there’s nothing there to think back on when I stop to think. I watch tv or a movie or reread a book; and I instantly think – what was I doing in life during this year? My reply is usually a blank – a memory covered by a black death shroud. I start to lump the years together – was 2007 a good year, Hmm, nope, not at all. Was 2002 a good year – yes – but I don’t want to remember why because it’s pointless to dwell on something I’ve worked so hard to cover over with emptiness.

What remains after hope is dashed against the rocks of life? There’s nothing left. I don’t have hope for any type of future other than maintaining the basic needs of humans to survive. Food and shelter. Telling someone to “get out there” or “be happy” is ludicrous. It doesn’t happen that way. Everything I had been thinking and dreaming of for a couple of decades is gone. Try to replace that by hearing or reading someone say some pointless clichéd phrase. It just shows how out of touch with reality some people really are.

Everyone has problems – mine aren’t any greater than anyone else’s. However, they are mine and hence they are greater than anyone else’s. I’m the only existing in my jumbled head. I’m the only one who lives with my thoughts of pointlessness day in and day out. I’ve lost the point, the meaning, the reason. So, before you think you know me and try to offer some sage advice – think twice. No one lives your life and for some people “happy” isn’t an option. Empty is the option.

Sadness

I hope my other self in the parallel universe is having a much better time at love than me. I'm terrible at it. I can't seem to find a dude who wants to hang around. I don't have enough of whatever it takes to be appealing to another human being. It's a very sad realization.

My cats will be eating my dead body.