Over evaluated

I could just scream. Once again, I find myself waiting on a guy. What is wrong with me? Guys need to wait on me. I shouldn't be staring at my compy wondering where he is or what he's doing; and just knowing that he's with someone else and I'm just an after thought.

Because with my messed up ego and off-kilter sense of self worth - that's all I am. An afterthought to guys. I know this deep down, and have realized that no one will ever bother to look at me twice. And because of that, I will not subject another person to my uselessness. It's a pointless exercise, just like I'm pointless.

I'm not raising kids, therefore, technically I'm not really contributing to society. One washed up, purposeless old maid is more of a detriment to society than a boon. If one doesn't reproduce, then really they aren't holding up their end of the social contract. Idiot backwoods rednecks get to pop out the babies like it's no tomorrow. I can't even attract one of these heathens.

Anyway - guys why bother waiting when the clock is ticking so loudly each movement of the minute hand is like a violent earthquake sending horrid shudders of realization that I am a waste to humanity through me. This living thing is overrated.

I want my turn

I absolutely hate coming home to a house that is totally dark after a long ass day. There is nothing to look forward to except a surly cat who wants to rip my eyes out because he's hungry.

What's worse is that I unwrap the nasty sub I had to grab because I didn't eat all day, then sit with the tv as my company as I eat the stupid sub as fast as I can because I don't want to taste it. There isn't anyone around but me. It's the most depressing thing I've been through. I'm busting with tons of news of what happened to me that day, because it was more than a regular day - I had a big track meet, had to walk probably two miles between events, dealt with kids who wanted my attention every second, then had to turn around and deal with kids who just get so frustrated they tell me to go away, my big ass test to determine whether I'll keep my job next year is in two weeks, I have an early meeting in the morning dealing with test crap, the kid I had such a hard time with last year is back and wants to help with practice - so what do I do - there are two outdoor lights that have been burnt out, I'm still waiting to hear from my mortgage company who was supposed to have sent a ton of forms for me to fill out but I'll have to call and ask them to resend, my stupid tonsils are so swollen it's hard to swallow again, and it goes on.

So then it hits me that this is what life will be like. Me, sitting in my house crying because the stress is too much for me to handle, because the person I'm afraid I've come to depend on isn't available. Im not that magnanimous, however, I have to say that everything is fine, do your thing when all I want to say is - nope. I want this to be about me, because it is my turn for it to be about me. I will NOT take a back seat to anything again.

But I don't, and I resent myself for it - again. I really do hate everything about my life, and if I didn't have that stupid ass meeting at 7 a.m. I'd be drunk off my ass in an attempt to forget everything. And now, I'm so upset my nose is all stopped up and I have huge headache from the freakin' crying.

Too Young a Whore

Why is it girls have to belittle themselves with sex. I recently watch it all unfold first hand between a 17 year old girl and a 16-year old boy.

The boy currently has a girlfriend, but the 17 yo girl thought she could lure this boy away from his girlfriend. So the flirting and way over the top stupidity began. This was grabass to the extreme. Just watching them made me want to hurl; I was not alone. People would walk the other way when they saw this nauseating wanna be couple walk by. The girl was all over the boy, smiling at his stupid jokes, stroking his arms, pressing her breasts into him, squealing as he squirted her with water in what was obviously a phallic metaphor.

Then she started driving him around town - where ever he wanted to go in fact. He'd call her up and she'd be right there; this boy doesn't have his own wheels. All this time, the boy was still with his longtime gf - who he claimed to being "problems" with to the 17 yo. Finally, after two weeks of heavy flirting, they did it.

And then he lost interest in the 17 yo and went back to his long time gf. Now, the 17 yo is heart broken because she actually thought that sleeping with this boy would win his heart. I have no idea why she is surprised over this. All her friends and all his told her he was just using her to get laid. But this girl stupidly thought that she could turn his heart in her favor (she's looking for a date to prom - I know double standard blah blah).

The sad thing is - this girl is starting to get a reputation as an easy one nighter. Give her a little attention and she'll be yours for a mere two weeks worth of work (bj in a week). She's up to number six now - according to the rumors and the boys who claim to have been with her. Whether she's nailed all of them or not doesn't matter - just the appearance of being a whore has tainted her to the "good boys." And she laments that no boy who is sweet, kind, and caring will even look at her.

I wonder why. She's not the type of girl one would go steady with for more than a week because, damn, the boy gets what he wants on the first try. I feel bad for her, she will always be expecting loyalty for sex - just doesn't happen.

It was hot today. About 95 degrees around 2 p.m. - the same time I went outside to mow the yard. I got up late because I worked about 18 hours the day before. It was at a track meet in the sun (it worked out because my kid is going to the state meet) and was it hot.

But, today I realized, again, I have limitations that I didn't used to have. It's all very depressing to know that 10 years ago the heat wouldn't have matter. In fact, the heat would was always a welcoming thing. I hate being cold. I'm tired of being cold, and I mean that both literally and figuratively. So, i thought, why not? I'll get up and mow the yard today.

I don't know how to use the riding lawn mower, but that's okay because the yard is super hilly and I'd prolly end up rolling the mower anyway. So, I pushed the entire yard - hills, forested area, and even all the stupid poison ivy that grows around the nefarious edges. It was really hot. Did I mention that?

It took way longer than needed to mow the yard. I had to take several breaks during the mowing process in order to stop the whole passing point from heat exhaustion thing. I could feel my skin tingling, the hair on my scalp standing on end, my tongue drying out, my eyesight blurring. Something that would have taken me all of 45 minutes 10 years ago instead took about 2 hours.

The worst part? The rest of my day was shot because my tank was empty - shot. I had nothing left. I took a shower and then crashed on the bed. I was awoken to my cat's furry face resting on my cheek - he apparently was worn out from watching me all day.

I don't want to grow any older without someone else to be here to share life. This alone thing is really really getting old. Too bad I'll never trust anyone enough to allow that to happen.