On Borrowed Time

You were never really mine to begin with. I don't know where you came from, but you were there one day. My finger hovered over the accept button.

Did I want you as a friend? Sure, why not, I thought. What could it hurt. Silly me. It could hurt me, but I didn't know it then. I've had you on loan for all this time, all the while knowing I'd have to give you back at some point.

And this point would not be of my choosing. Someone else gets to pick the point in time when you are gone from me. I still don't have control. You mean well, you don't understand what I already know. I am the least important thing in your life at this moment; as I should be. But, to me, you mean way too much. I really messed up and let you in, and now Im doing the best I can to hurry up and close the floodgates before the deluge sweeps me away in this delightful daydream of happiness.

I know it's not real, I do. It's just hard to keep that in mind when you sound so sincere, and you think it's something real. Your life is what's real. Im not. I'm here, so far away with no means of keeping you. I have absolutely nothing to offer you. I want you to be happy; I am not the vehicle for this.

Case in point - you are the most gorgeous male I have ever seen; and I am just a wet paper bag of a female. Nothing.

I know what's coming. I'm getting off the train tracks as fast as I can. I don't want to be obliterated by the train I can see and hear in the distance. You are the family I want forever. You are the forever I can never have.