Yeah, I tried to calm down this weekend. Do the zen thing to get my stupid blood pressure down to acceptable limits. Didn’t work. I’m sitting here bawling like a newborn because I hate my life to extremes. I’m so tired of putting on the happy show; I can’t believe what a good actress I’ve become, and shame on these people for just wanting me to be better. Shame on me for keeping it all inside.
Shame on me for sitting here feeling sorry for myself when so many other people are in worse situations than me. I just can’t get over my own stupid life. I feel like I want to press the re-do button and try it again – just to hurry and get out of this shit mess. I’m so mentally and emotionally screwed that I’m making myself sick. So, maybe I will get out of this world faster than originally thought if I can’t let go. I can understand how people die of broken hearts now. My heart’s broken because I can’t even see my life anymore. I’ve lost my ability to trust anyone. Anything someone says, I just assume they are lying. I don’t know why they’d lie to me about stupid random things. But, there it is. The gorilla. Everyone lies about everything. I can’t let that go.
I’m 34 and wanted a family. I wanted the whole deal. So I’m not gonna get that. And thusly, I’m mourning that right now. So, yes, my bp will be high. This is right up there with major life changes. Having to rework all my thoughts and hopes and dreams since I was a child. Yeah, that’s a little bit stressful, so I’m working my way through the death of the life I had wanted. I have to accept the life I will now have – the whole being alone thing. It’s not an easy thing to accept.
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