One Year Ago Today (Dec 27, 2009)

A year ago today my ex moved out. I've spent the past year on my own. Well, I say that, and it's not all true. It's a lot colder this year, because, well, it is winter. So, I am grateful for a mild winter last year. That would have killed me. And, now I know what can kill me and what I can live through.

Im not totally alone. My father lives with me to save money (a whole other story). So there is someone here on occasion; and I'm learning how to be alone and not be insane about it. That's the physical alone stuff. The emotional alone stuff is a little different. I'm not alone. There are so many friends I didn't realize I had before the whole divorce mess. They just didn't want to be around my ex spouse or my ex best friend. They like me on my own merits - which I find very comforting. I also have a bevy of online friends who have been my backbone for the last year, making sure I hit certain milestones, and goading me when I lapse. Some have been with me for almost two years; I'd be lost without them. If they weren't around, I'd know what real loss would feel like.

I still haven't gone to the dentist yet. I have a killer tooth, but I'm such a wuss about the dentist. And, my car is questionable so that's an unpleasant thought; and the house payment is threatening to suck me under and batter me to death on the clapboards of the poor house. I've painted my bedroom to get rid of all trace of the ex. I've rearranged my bedroom furniture and put up brand new pictures; the same thing happened for the office and spare bedroom. He's just about gone from the house.

His chair has become the property of my father and my cat. It's prime real estate in the living room because there is a daily fight for it. Often the cat wins with a resounding and hearty growl and spat, other times my father wins with a swat from a newspaper to the cat's retreating hind section. Most importantly - I now sit in the chair. It's mine.

I don't feel like Im being beaten and torn apart by a huge thunderous swell of ocean. I no longer even feel like Im fighting the waves or currents. It's really just a gentle, warm swell that sweeps through me every so often; a normal, or whatever normal is, movement of life and time directing my footsteps down the path I'm supposed to be on for the moment. I'm not alone on my journey. All I had to do was look up and glance around to see all the people who are accompanying me.

So, despite the foot of snow on the ground and the freezing cold temps outside - Im warmer on the inside this year. Last year, it was definitely the other way around - warm outside and cold interior. This is a better way to be.

Oh, and the dolphin pic to the left of the mirror is still crooked.
Dec 27, 2009