Memory Epic Fail

Recent transaction I made:
"Yes, hello, memory correction service? Good. I need some bogus memories of the past 17 years replaced with the actual events, can you help?"
"Of course we can. We offer deluxe packages that dig through your remembered thoughts and dredge up the actual events as they happened. This way, you have the real memory and not the supposed or wished for event."
"Perfect. Hook me up. I have 17 I want to turn into real events, please."

::: Memory adjustment begin :::
17. Me asking you out. Old memory: you blushing and sweet and making a cute joke. New: you blubbering through a response, not paying attention and laughing at your friends behind me making faces at you.

16. First date to a college football game. Old memory: buying me dinner and discussing football with me. New: making me go up to the nosebleeds when I hate heights, and buying me a nasty stadium dog.

15. Playing miniature golf and keeping all the scorecards. Old: thinking it’d be a great reminder of who won what games and have a tally for life. New: shriveling in the heat while you complain about eating too much for dinner and having seriously noxious gas while on vacation.

14. Getting married. Old: coolest day we spent together. New: day before Easter, you didn’t help plan a wedding, your family sponging off my parents for lunch – which was spaghetti which I HATE.

13. Honeymoon. Old: fun on the beach. New: you yell at me on the way down saying I have too high of expectations and nothing will ever be perfect.

12. Buying a house together. Old: “We own trees” New: never cleaned it, never helped repair it, left it without looking back.

11. You having surgery. Old: you actually needed me. New: you whined and bitched and moaned and didn’t think anything I did was good enough.

10. Eating lunch with you at work. Old: get to see you in the evening when you were in school and working. Now: was your secretary and had to handle all the paperwork of your education.

9. Sitting on the deck in the evenings drinking a beer while you smoked a cigar. Old: chillin’ with my best friend talkin’ about the day. New: getting chewed alive by bugs while inhaling toxic fumes to which I’m allergic while listening to you tell me how wonderful all your plans are.

8. Going to your football games. Old: football coach’s wife, sitting in the stands. New: you never home ignoring me for your stupid plays, pitching a fit if I didn’t come to one of your games in a hailstorm in the middle of winter.

7. Going out to eat dinner. Old: time together, no dishes. New: you always inviting my friend along so you’d have someone to talk to.

6. Being generous to my friends. Old: glad you got along with her so we could do things. New: you falling in love with her.

5. Golfing together. Old: someone to play with finally. New: you telling me I’ve ruined the sport for you since your buddies would rather golf with me.

4. Driving me to work in the snow. Old: you’re dependable because I can’t drive worth crap. New: bitching and complaining about having to do something that would keep me safe.

3. Buying me pretty, sparkly bauble for 10 year anniversary. Old: you know what I like, and it has hearts. New: you fell for my best friend two months later – turns out she helped pick it out.

2. Emailing me at work everyday. Old: awesome that we get to talk all the time. New: using email and texting to cheat on me.

1. Anything you’ve ever done that was remotely nice or sweet. Old: you’re the best friend and husband. New: you cheated on me with my best friend and accused me of alienating people and said you couldn’t wait to see what life would be like without me.

::: Purge complete. Memories now replaced with reality. Have a nice day.:::