See ya lost battles

I concede. I acquiesce. I give up. I surrender. I shame Sun Tzu. I can no longer fight the good fight. For me, the war is over. I must bow to some demons in order to survive and slay the others. I knew I was involved in too many bloody, to-the-death battles; felt them every day and in a variety of ways. Each one sucked a little of my soul as I battled with wits, body armor, heart, and rapier. Alas, the candle wick was not long enough to accommodate the light by which I needed to lay my plans for the next siege.
For some reason, I could only devote enough energy to certain battles, I’ve only wanted certain victories, so I allowed other fights to linger in vapid temperatures and with a modicum of the desired and needed attention. I’d fight enough to exhaust myself, then try to use what little I had left to do battle with the other factions.
A phoenix I am not. I won’t rise from the ashes if I am slain in a skirmish I didn’t even know I was fighting. So it’s time to choose a conflict to which I will hand over my weapons – whatever they may be. I know I can not continue to fight so many things at one time. It’s both unnatural, unhealthy, and just not right. It’s easy to fight when you know there is someone standing behind you – watching your back; shouting warnings when danger approaches – someone who will gladly relinquish his or her sword in your time of need. My torch fire is low, I’m having trouble seeing the road in front of me – I need to leave some of the encampments to their own destiny and travel forward sans past demons.
I’m ready to choose what I must loose so that I can fight a bigger, more grandiose and sweeping campaign of the others. I want to handle my territory – but it’s hard to accomplish when it keeps getting swept out from under me while my head is turned in a different direction.
I hate losing. It’s not in me, but I can hear my inner demons screaming that some must be loosed and forgotten. Time for cleaner, swifter and more agile fighting techniques the old way of scatter shot or focusing on one thing at a time can no longer apply if I am to survive at the core.
So bring on the guillotine. Let’s hack some puppies away from the core.
1. Writing – that so stays.
2. Drinking – it’s how I can suffer through the first.
3. Teaching – I’ve left this squander (somewhat) and need to refocus (potentially)
4. Cliched failed marriage – yup gotta carve and hack this one out. Too much time and wasted energy wondering. Setting it adrift on the sea of memories and failed endeavors. Letting waves carry me far from the starting point on this one.
5. Cliched failed friendship – hardest to let go. A grudge as big as life. How could you be so inconsiderate, uncaring, unfeeling, life sucking, knife plunging, gutless, and heartless. I usually judge people well, but, nope, you blocked me well. This is hardest of all battles to forgo, it’s also the most deadly, because I can’t believe what a fool I was to ever think you were something you were not. I should’ve jumped ship on the first affair – this would be my fault. Your venomous fingers clutch at me even in sleep – back to hell evil creature. Plague me no more.
6. Missing Confidence – definitely caused by previously mentioned two. Gonna have to go questing to find this.
7. Money – can’t live without. You stay.
8. Future – yup, you gotta go. I don’t have the capacity to worry or wonder about you anymore. Just be kind and I’ll stop thinking of you.
9. Driving – this fear needs to get the hell out.
10. Superstition – so what if a whole church wants me to spend an eternity in hell, got to relax this a little. Who cares if I broke a mirror two days ago? No more black cats.
Hmm, lighter I feel. Just some remaining residual from where the hate was torn with little compassion from me. That I won’t miss.